Sit-Lie-Roll Over

Dispatches From Cascadia Vol. 5

One thing that often strikes people from out of town who come to visit Portland is that everyone here seems to be in such good shape. Walk down the street here in the Rose City and it is hard to find an obese local. Most folks living here are generally pretty slim, some to the point of looking like a heroin addicted rock star (a popular look in my neighborhood of Hawthorne). Lately however, Portlanders have been putting on a few collective pounds. Maybe it is all the good desert places that have been opening up lately, or all of those whole milk cappuccinos that we love so much, but whatever the reason, were starting to bulge our hip-huggers. Fortunately for us, City Hall is taking notice. So, after much debate, our esteemed and fitness conscious City Council has decided to begin enforcement of an existing law that makes it illegal to sit or stand on the sidewalks of downtown Portland. As a result, anyone working, visiting or living in downtown will have to walk continuously whenever they are outside in downtown. And as most fitness experts and City Councilmen will tell you, the best way to shed those excess pounds is light aerobic exercise like walking (particularly walking to the Galleria Mall from the Abercrombie and Fitch on Broadway). How thoughtful of the Mayor’s Street Access For Everyone (SAFE) Committee which came up with the new enforcement guidelines as part of the existing "Obstructions as Nuisances" law. Whoa, wait a minute! Obstructions as Nuisances Law? Street Access for Everyone Committee (didn’t even know we had one of those)? This doesn’t sound like a fitness ordinance to me! This actually sounds like an attempt to justify ticketing homeless people in the nice, clean, white, downtown shopping district! Could it be that the driving force behind the law is none other than the Portland Business Alliance (PBA), whose representative, Mike Kuykendall, has co-chaired the SAFE oversight committee since January? OK, so no one here really thinks this about fitness, I made that part up, but the truth is that right now in Downtown Portland, supposedly one of the most liberal and progressive cities in North America, the police can ticket you if by lying, sitting or standing on the side walk you leave less than 6 to 8 feet of passable space (pretty easy when most of the sidewalks are barely eight feet wide). Any two people standing and talking to each other on the sidewalk will likely be in violation of the new guidelines. It also allows people to be ticketed if they are sitting and posing a "trip hazard," whatever that means. The new enforcement guidelines have already gone into effect, and word on the street is that the police have begun handing tickets out to "offenders."

photo above: "I don't care what you say, Buddy, you can't sit there!"

--submitted by cousin marc from portland, oregon